Tuesday - Pneumonia (Serious lung infection)

After done the blood at hospital, suppose I am thinking to rest at home for a day and Wednesday will be another appointment to see my doctor, he said he need to see me twice a week. Sigh, manatau early in the morning I started to feel breathless. Do you know that, there is one lucky thing, I shouldn't say is lucky, because I knew is all from my Lord Jesus, I knew He is with me, without Him, I can't do anything!!! This is so true. Just on Monday itself, while I am having my blood transfusion, my husband and I contacted Hospis Malaysia said that we would like to load a unit of oxygen-generator, even a week ago when people from Hospis visited me, I already requested but the only reply I got is "out of stock". Thru Hospis I can get a free unit, else I really have to rent it and it is about RM500 per month. Tuesday was a amazing day and I called again and they told me somebody just returned a unit and my husband quickly go collect it. Immediately I used that machine on Tuesday morning with serious breathless and coughing.

We drag until afternoon like that, my husband made a decision to send me to hospital with ambulance. Thanks God again I reached hospital safe and sound. Dato Dr Ibrahim requested help from Dr Navi, a specialist in chest and lung to help me, after x-ray, investigation......Dr Navi quietly told my husband that my situation very serious, ask him to prepare for the worst. My husband keep crying, I don't know why I didn't. I just quietly asked the Lord Jesus in my heart, am I going to see You soon, the Lord ? You don't give time to me to testify you anymore, to tell other ppl you are my Lord Jesus who the only one can healed me? no Lord, I want to testify You, give glory to You. Please allow me my dear Lord Jesus. I keep praying keep praying keep praying, God is good all the time, God surely will help me, I will not die but live and will proclaim what the Lord has done.....

Thanks Lord Jesus gave me this chance, I must be a better daugther to glorified You, Father in heaven. Please continue help me. I only can win with the faith in You, Lord Jesus. Thank you for everything Father in heaven, in Jesus name I pray and thanks. amen.

ps Guess I must gwai gwai wear mask liao :p

Monday - body no blood

I went to see Dato Dr Ibrahim at Wijaya this early morning. As usual my blood count was low and I told doctor that I feel weak, so 2 pile of bloods is give to me on that day at Pantai Bangsar so that I can claim insuran at later time. I sit at the chemo day care unit from morning until 7 or 8 pm I guess, it was a tiring process. I still remember while waiting the last few drops of blood to be finished, I watch the Thomas cup live show together with the nurse. Really cannot deny that Lin Dan from China really in very good skill and our Dato Lee Chong Wei memang not his standard enermy. As expected, Malaysia lost lo, no mirecle.

Funny funny at hospital

I am staying at 2 beded room at hospital this time. My bed-mate was a 60+ years old auntie who fell down and one of her leg couldn't walk. She is also a patient who need to do dialysis every alternate day, has been staying at hospital for 2 weeks. This auntie was company by her maid who is a young girl came from Combodia. She is very nice and cute, love to watch TV, their TV was switched on till 12 midnight :-). Sometime she will dropped by my bed and help me, she get my tea done and chitchat with me. She told me that she already watched the whole movie of "Heavenly sword and dragon sabre" at Combodia, wow, superd haha. She asked me is the guy came to visit me every evening is my husbund or ....I said he is my husband. She told me my husband very nice, she put her tumb up. Said my husband good looking. I showed her our wedding photo on my phone and she keep wow wow, said that I am so pretty. Ya, I became so ugly now, everyone can't believe I was the bride in the photo. Wow, I feel quite impress, like that my husband also can get admirer. The maid - Astrid keep telling me that my husband is nice, she even saw him pemper me and very sayang me. haha Oh ya, I told Astrid that my husband not so leng chai liao as he is very fat nowaday :p

Thanks God for giving a husband who willing to take care me, a useless wife for him.

Days at hospital

I meet Dr Yee Kok Ming, consultant cardialogy at Pantai Bangsar last Monday. I was admitted to hospital right after that and doctor will do a procedure to remove the fluid that cover my heart which has been seen thought the ultra sound. However, doctor did mentioned to me that it might not help 100% of my breathless because my lungs got a lot problem also and they could be the main reason for my breathless. My oncology doctor - Dato Dr Ibrahim agreed to do the procedure also as this may help to improve my breathless and it also will protect my heart. Actually I am very scare to do any operation, very scare oh but what can I say....thanks God that it is only small procedure and after one night of staying I can discharge according to doctor. Then we proceed everything, I requested 2 beded room this time because I want to watch "Heavenly sword and dragon sabre" every night at 8TV hehe :p.

I did the procedure at ICU, a small hole at my chest and fluid flow out and been collected in a bag. Doctor estimated can collect up to 500ml fluid, about 2 cans of coke. It is really not comfortable to have such things poke in the middle of my chest, I walked to bathroom and back to my bed, I still feel breathless, not much improvement that I told doctor. We let the fluid drain overnight, it flow slowly, and I have to stay one more night....end up I stayed at hospital for 4 days, I miss my own bed so much, miss my pillows so much.

Doctor told me that to remove the thing is very easy and I release my worry....manatau....very pain oh...sob sob. Doctor just pull the thing out from my chest. At first doctor wanted to use a short wayer but somehow it dropped to floor when doing the procedure, so happened hospital run out of stock and doctor used a longer one. Hence, when doctor pull out the wayer, he worried the wayer get stuck or cut off inside. He pull slowly and I .....so pain....after so many pull....so many pain, still long to go i guess. At last, doctor stopped and asked nurse to send me to lab, he want to do it under a x-ray, with the help of x-ray, doctor can see the wayer didn't get stuck and pull it with very high speed, I scream a bit and everything is done. Thanks God so much :-). I think I knew now the feeling when a sword poke into my chest and that person pull it out. ouch.

After that, I stayed another night for chemo on the next day. Before that I did blood transfusion also. My tumor marker increased to 900 !!! I cry and sms my husband...am I going to die soon??

I tried not to be sad but very hard.....It is not that I scare of die. Sometimes I do think of die, then I no longer need to suffer all to pain. But I choose to live, choose to believe in God, strongly hold on Him as He is the one who give and take life. I pray to Him and seek help from Him, thanks the Lord.

Breathless

Did I mentioned before that I am getting breathless easily after a short walk? Now, I am getting even more serious, the breathless. I am getting breathless even walk from my living hall to the bathroom. Coughing also getting more, sometimes I really feel hard to talk. Anyway life still continue and I try very hard to make sure I am peaceful in mind everyday. My back and my leg still pain. I requested my doctor to give me more pain killer. I need them almost every night. My husband and I just visited doctor this morning. My mom and my sister appeared at the hospital too, they want to hear the analysis of my doctor with the scan report, they complained that I never tell them the details. Ya, I just felt that there is nothing much to say. Sorry to my mom as she don't understand english else she might have better idea about my situation thru this blog.

About my breathless, doctor explained that because of the tumor at my lung touched my heart, fluid is found at the outer "skin" of my heart and this actually caused heart to pump hardly. Well, I am going to see cardialogy on coming monday. Dear Father in heaven, please help me. Thanks Father, in Jesus name, amen.

My CT Scan Report

I just admited to hospital and done my CT scan which covered from my brain till my abdomen & pelvis. Well, there is nothing much I could tell from the report. My doctor also didn't say much, he just said not so good the report. And I have a peek on those report, I found that the key word that keep repeat is - "increased in size and number." I guess you can imagine that, all bad news I got. However, I just leave all these to my Lord Jesus and don't want to think about it. Thanks Lord Jesus to take care everything.

Don't be afraid; just believe, and I will be healed [Luke 8:50]

EGFR mutation gene

My doctor told me that 80% of Asian, especially female lung cancer patient, non-smoker and at young age....where I fall into this category, are EGFR positive. This group of patient have shown an impressive 60% response rate to Tarceva which exceeds the response rate for conventional chemotherapy. Finally I have my EGFR mutation gene tested. I am EGFR negative!! No wonder Tarceva is not working at all in my body.

My memory really not so good already. My tumor marker already at 562, the CEA, no longer at 300 as I taught previously. Thanks the Lord and praise the Lord that all 3 of the tumor marker dropped a bit. Thanks God.

Ganbateh :-)

ps. thanks to my xboss - Mr.Teo and Emily :-)

before visit my doctor

This coming follows up, I will have my tumor marker test, I also will have the report of the cancer pathway named EGFR tested. My doctor told me that he feels that chemo is not going to work on me, as my FBC (Full Blood Count) always low and keep delaying the chemo schedule. The last reading of tumor marker was 300++, the CEA, the other CA125 and CA153 also increased a lot. Although chemo is not working good on me, but that seems to be the best the doctor can give me.....more and more bad news.

Please help me the Lord. amen.

Happy bathing

Finally, I can enjoy my bathing happily recently. For the past one year, almost one year, I can't let the water running freely from my head till my toe. To wash my head and hair, I have to bend my body 90 degree so that my abdomen area is clear from water. The top part of my body only can be clean using a wet tower so that no water flow thru my abdomen area. I have a tiub from outside and poke into my abdomen, it is for chemo purpose, so I have a wound at my abdoment and I need to do dressing every week at hospital, to make sure it is free from infection. Finally, Doctor agreed to remove that tiub as it seems to have some sign of infection, a lot of fluid flow out from the wound, red in colour, like blood but lighter. Yahooooo, I really enjoy the feeling that the cold cold water running from my head till my toe during these hot hot days. Thanks God for this.

Appreciate the ability given to us by God like eating and bathing. This is what I had learned.

I am NOT strong at all

Yes, I am not strong, actually I am very weak.

Weak in both fizical body and spiritual soul. My faith also dropped every times I heard the bad news from doctor. After some cries then I always told myself I must live happily for the rest of my life, stay happy and be together with my husband. But in reality, sometimes it is just very hard to do so. I am not scare of death, all thanks to Lord Jesus. Reason is this :
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
[John 3:16]".

I want to live, I want to be together with my husband, my family few more years. This is my prayer to the Lord. I understand that it is God's decision, I only can beg Him, hence I keep praying to Him. Frankly, I do have time when my faith very low......"give up" do appear in my taught.....well, I really can't handle at all. I think I will just bring all these to the Lord. Only He can help me.


I use this to encourage myself:-
I will have no fear of bad news;
my heart is steadfast,
trusting in the LORD.
[Psalm 112:7]

Bad bad news

I was admitted to hospital last Monday. Reason for it is to get blood transfusion and since I am at hospital, my doctor 'soon pian' requested me to do CT Scan and MRI Scan as it is time to check the result. Well, I was very sad on the result......

I still remember that night at hospital, before I get any of my scan done, just so happened that I felt there are 2 round things on my neck......feel like is tumour, immediately I have that taught!! Oh no!! Yip yip, bad news is waiting for me. My brain and stomach are stable. Thanks the Lord. Praise the Lord. However, the battle now back to my lung. The original tumour larger in size, from 2cm it grow to 4cm, double in size, no wonder I start to cough recently and heard some sound when I breath. Also there are new tumours at lung, on top of my liver and my neck. It is going to be very challenging....and hard hard time :(

I am going to do RT on lung again, hmmm again I need to suffer the difficulty to swallow food. My Doctor said chemo is not an option for me, sob sob, this is because my recovery period very long, so not much help if do chemo one cycle and the second cycle is done one month later, sob sob, why I so weak??? I want to eat more, I hope I can be stronger to fight.

I keep praying to the Lord to give me mercy and heal me. I want to live.

ps: Sometimes I do have this question in my mind while seeing others people running their normal life as a normal person, why I need to suffer so much ??? But then on second taught, there are a lot more others suffer much much more then me!! I think myself consider lucky, also thanks to cancer that I get to know the Lord Jesus. My healer and loving God.