Bad bad news

I was admitted to hospital last Monday. Reason for it is to get blood transfusion and since I am at hospital, my doctor 'soon pian' requested me to do CT Scan and MRI Scan as it is time to check the result. Well, I was very sad on the result......

I still remember that night at hospital, before I get any of my scan done, just so happened that I felt there are 2 round things on my neck......feel like is tumour, immediately I have that taught!! Oh no!! Yip yip, bad news is waiting for me. My brain and stomach are stable. Thanks the Lord. Praise the Lord. However, the battle now back to my lung. The original tumour larger in size, from 2cm it grow to 4cm, double in size, no wonder I start to cough recently and heard some sound when I breath. Also there are new tumours at lung, on top of my liver and my neck. It is going to be very challenging....and hard hard time :(

I am going to do RT on lung again, hmmm again I need to suffer the difficulty to swallow food. My Doctor said chemo is not an option for me, sob sob, this is because my recovery period very long, so not much help if do chemo one cycle and the second cycle is done one month later, sob sob, why I so weak??? I want to eat more, I hope I can be stronger to fight.

I keep praying to the Lord to give me mercy and heal me. I want to live.

ps: Sometimes I do have this question in my mind while seeing others people running their normal life as a normal person, why I need to suffer so much ??? But then on second taught, there are a lot more others suffer much much more then me!! I think myself consider lucky, also thanks to cancer that I get to know the Lord Jesus. My healer and loving God.

My Mask

Yeah, I have finished my brain RT, for 2 weeks, 10 times at Pantai Bangsar Hospital. On the last day, the radiologist gave me the mask and said that I can keep it :-). Look at my mask, seems like my head is quite small but all the while I taught my head quite big as I always need to buy larger size cap or hat. Anyway, I really want to praise the Lord here, thanks Him for having me have the headache and able to discover the brain tumour so early, at such small size. I really scare of operation and I did pray for no more operation. Thanks Heavenly Father, You are so awesome and so great. I started to lost my hair, it getting less and less on my head, I already bought a white cute hat :-), soon will need to wear it everyday lo. Doctor said in 6 months time, I will lost 10% of my memory. It is not very serious, just that out of 10 numbers I only can remember 8 of them. Anyway, I don't see this is much affect on me haha :-).

That day I was driving myself to hospital to see doctor and after that for my RT, after all done and I get inside my car, I couldn't start my car at all, no sound at all, the battery like no more.....hmmm what I do is pray to the Lord immediately, please Lord let me start my engine, teeeng I press again my remote control and the car engine started after the prayer. How great is my God ya. At last I called my father said the no need come to resque me as I able to drive home liao. Anyway, the next day I changed my car's battery and checked it was almost 2 years that old battery been used. Thanks the Lord for all these. Thanks.

There is Hope, there is Life

Yeah, it did happen, something very bad, should I use a better word ? be positive ? very hard to do so, I am not strong at all, I am weak, very weak, I can't handle it by myself, I need God, I need you the Lord, please help me Lord Jesus.

My headache is coming back, I can sense that it is a bit serious then last week. The pain was not constant, I means I don't feel the pain all the time, it came suddenly and I feel pressure on my head and it gone after a while. I feel weak again and after my RT treatment for my left hip on this Wednesday, my mom force me to see doctor, I was thinking to see doctor on coming Monday, I am, yes I am trying to deny all these, I keep telling myself that I just have normal headache and it will gone soon, it will gone in few days. This is not working, NOT working at all. The nurse at Wijaya also noticed that I don't look good so they called the doctor and immediately I went to see him. Again he did the blood count test for me, again I was hoping my hemoglobin was low and not much blood on my head....how silly I am ya. My blood was ok, only my white blood cell low and this actually caused me so weak, so tired. So...I was scheduled to do MRI scan for my brain the next morning. Ya, bad news. I did have a peek on the report when I am holding the scan report and on my way to see my doctor. I really can't understand the report as almost all the words are too technical for me, but I see 1.6cm....surpressing veinxxxxx(I can't even spell)....ya not good ya...I just calm myself and keep praying, keep praying to God, asked God to be with me, grant me strength to face all these.

Doctor told me that it is not so good when I walked into his room. When a doctor tell you not so good actually he means it is quite bad :-). tears running down from my eyes, I was trying very hard to stop them. Ya, my brain got tumors, my lung cancer already metasis to my brain. There is one big size tumor 1.6cm there and this caused my headache. There are another 10 to 15 tiny tumors in my brain too. Yeah I still and really thanks God from the bottom of my heart, this is consider early detection, thanks God for the headache and thanks for the MRI Scan, ya everythings is in God's plan. If I did the CT Scan on brain then will miss all the tiny tumors as too small to be detect by CT Scan, only MRI can catch them. Thanks God.

I told my husband that if one day I just collapsed and only able to lye down on bed, just terminate me....

Well, my feeling is ok when I wrote this post, don't expect it to be great but I am ok. Again I pray to God, I cry and tell God that I need Him, asking mercy from Him, I surrender everything and my life to Him, I am asking God to let me know what can I do to success His'plan, what is His's plan for me. God did send SeokPeng and gave me a book, a book by a cancer survivor - Shery Lim who healed by God. Ya, thanks God for the book, it really increase my faith. Thanks God.

God said when there is hope, there is life.

I promised God that I will read bible everyday, I will memorize His Word. I must do this.

sleepless night as leg pain...

I couldn't sleep well on this Friday's night, I felt pain with my left leg. My husband gave me one panadol and it did make me fall asleep for few hours I guess. I still feel pain on the Saturday's morning. I heard my husband said : this is not a good sign....yeah...I heard myself saying yes in my heart. I requested my husband to send me to see doctor right after having our breakfast. I look weak as well, pain keep attack me. Doctor did a blood test for me and both my hemoglobin and white blood cells are low. Ya I was then admitted to hospital for blood transfusion and I stayed at hospital till monday for the CT Scan. Scan on weekend is charge double le. At first, doctor already prepared the scan form for me where it cover my head as well, my got headache previously...somehow I didn't get to scan my head with this CT Scan, doctor have another form and a special command to detail scan my left hip. Ya, the result is there is a tiny mass on my left hip and that the reason for my pain. Thanks God for this early detection, thanks God for the pain, the treatment is 5 times radio theraphy, I feel very happy with this. My doctor also said very happy with the scan report as my stomach is under control, tumor marker also dropped to normal :-). He said my stomach is quite hard to treat actually. Thanks God for all these, thanks the lord, yes, You are the great God, nothing is impossible for You, the lord, thank You so much for everything. After the blood transfusion, after taking the pain killer, my pain gone, my headache also gone and I get to sleep well that night, thanks heavenly Father.

I guess I should feel happy at this moment....I don't know why, somehow my heart don't feel peaceful, there is something else.....

I am back...

It has been a while that I didn't update this blog. Basically I did nothing for the time. Today is the first day after my 5 days oral chemo medicine, the 3rd cycle. It was not great at all for the pass few weeks. I think I get some minor flu infection, I cough more and the flame was green in color. My white blood cells was low, only 1.9 compare to normal range which is 4. I feel weak. I got headache too, this is very scary and as what I expected, doctor requested me to do full CT scan from head to toe, normally it didn't cover my brain. If I tell you that I not scare at all then I am not telling the truth. Well, I need to prepare the stuff for hospital admission for the CT scan soon. Dear God, please be with me.

I feel weak during my medicine week. Weak as it not only for my physical body, it is also weak in my spirit. To continue live is much more harder then to ....hmmm but when I see all the lovely face around me, see those people that love me and I love too, it really encourage me to fight, I keep praying to God that please give me more power to fight, to win all these 'ku nan'. Hope I don't lost all my faith during all the weak time.

I do nothing for the pass week except lying down on sofa, lying down on bed... I can't focus to do anything. I tried to play psp game but my mind seems not there....I tried to sew my undone quilt, my mind also not there, my hands and legs seems not belong to me. Agrrrrr I really don't like this feeling but but but.....I feel blessed as I saw and heard a lot of cancer patients can't do anything at all, can't move, can't talk, only lying down on bed. I should feel happy actually as I still have a normal living. Thank you God.

There is hope...ganbateh....

Wedding dinner of good old friends

My husband and I attended our friends wedding dinner at Dinner club, Top floor of Amodo building. The place is quite nice, can see all the night light of the building around Bukit Bintang area, the atmospare was great there, the food also quite nice just that everyone seems don't feel full after all the dishes. Both the groom and bride are our old friends, we knew each other since hmmm I think it was about 10 years ago. We were colleague at Astro that time. Think about it, we do have a great time working in Astro ya :-). It was my first job, I think it was the first job of all of us hahhaa. All the newbie join the company and get to know each other, all of us were so playful that time, so young, go for movie, yum cha, clubbing seems our normal activities whenever we want haha, even visited the gay pub :p. I do have a lot of great and sweet memory, also not to forget a lot of love story happened here and there. Hmmm, myself+my husband and the groom and bride, another 3 more couples, yeah, we all from Astro, the gang working at Astro that time and now turned to be husband and wife lo.

I do enjoy the wedding dinner as I get to see so many x-colleagues, some of them really didn't get to met since after we all celebrated our VSS and gone different path in our career life. We all got VSS from the company and we all happy about it, as we do get some $$$ for the VSS. Basically everyone seems remains unchange, still look the same but those girls are prettier for that night. Some of them didn't know that I was sick with cancer and they complained that I am still that thin, yeah I am even thinner compare to 10 years ago when I first graduated from uni. Anyway, some of them like my x-manager said that I look better, even better then 10 years ago. I really look that scary last time ???? haha anyway life is unpredictable, thanks God that I am still here...

It is so good to met you all, dear all friends...

My father got high blood pressure

My dad was admitted to hospital twice for the pass 2 weeks. He got high blood pressure for more then 10 years lo. He used to take pills to maintain his blood pressure but just don't know why lately it seems lost control of it. He feel chest pain for quite some time already, according to doctor it should be about a month ago he have the problem. My father refused to see doctor and he told my mom that he still ok with his breathing. Aiksss if wait till cannot breath only go see doctor then it will be too late for doctor to do anything le. Due to these, I do pray to God and said to God Father that if the situation required, please let my dad get to see a doctor for healing before anything terrible could happen. After all the hospital thinggy and my dad is ok, back to home. A chit chat session with my mom then only I find out that there is some miracle did happened. It was the sunny morning of 1st October, the independant day of China. My parent are fan of China, hence my dad was in front of TV for this special day of China. I think it was very early in the morning my mom asked my dad to go pasar to get some fruits and my dad rejected as he want to watch tv. But later in that morning, my mom asked again to go see doctor, maybe my dad was feeling very unconfortable and my mom said has no idea why my dad just switch off the tv and go change his cloth and agreed to see doctor at hospital. My mom said that seems like it does has some power that make him get his buff of from the tv for his favourite show and go see doctor. Lucky they went to see doctor and my dad get admitted, doctor said his heart was not good, swollen, very easy to get stroke!! Thanks God Father, I knew it must be You to help my dad, to save my dad. Thank you Lord. You are the best. :-)